Dating is FUNNY part II

Back to some humorific bits and pieces... you guessed it, another funny dating story. I've had this one to tell for awhile, it's good...

So this was toward the end of this past summer. Like the last story, it was someone I met online and this was our first meeting. The initial clincher here was when I first met him, I thought- Oh, wow, he's a lot better looking than I'd supposed. It wasn't like we were going on a 'date' per se we were just meeting up for a hike. No big deal right?

Well, we did the hike up behind the U of U and by the time we were getting back down it was pretty dark. We found ourselves coming down a different way. Anyone who knows me well, knows that even in daylight, my feet can 'play tricks' on me... I always blame it on my ankles when in reality I probably just need to watch where I'm going a little better.

Well, this guy seemed to have some sort of magnificent night vision or something- stealthily leading the way with fancy feet, never missing a beat. We got to this one part where there was definitely water that needed to be crossed... he lept across like an agile deer while I hesitated like a cat fearing the sight of water. But c'mon, what was I going to do? Walk through and get my feet wet, no way!

So he plesantly put his hand out to assist me across- I thought it would be a little more 'easy- does-er' style but the very moment I had his hand he pulled me across... I began to lose my footing on the two little rocks or logs or what ever they were and could feel myself falling. Yes, I was going down. By instinct, I reached out to catch myself- Oh, it was like slow motion... I reached- and what had I directly in my path? Well, I know my hand brushed not gently enough in a place deemed 'inappropriet'. I couldn't believe it! I got up, and nervously started talking about what my feet had landed on... saying "what were those things? I mean there were two of them... one was bigger than the other..." And as I spoke I could here another part of my mind saying 'Abby, shut up now' ... but I continued saying. "But they were hard"...I was, of course, speaking of the rocks or pieces of wood I had stepped and slipped on. He really didn't respond to any of it. I'm still not sure if any of the ridiculous banter registered to him- or if he was just waiting for me to stop talking.

When we got back to my car shortly after. I thought- ok, I've got to ease this tension so I cracked a joke about the whole thing- 'sorry I grabbed your crotch- I usually wait til the second or third time I hang out with someone until I do that.' He responded, "you did?"

I still don't know if that was his way of dodging the whole thing or if he really didn't feel the whole cupping of his package... I think it would be a hard thing to miss but... stranger things have happened... (-;

Game is ON

I haven’t been on my best game. That being said, I have been IN the game though- I mean the coach has said, Hey, Abner, you wanna sit this one out? And I thought about it for a second but as fast as I thought about it I shouted back "hell no coach, I'm in!" So my shots have been a little off but I'm throwin’, I'm assisting… and I'm sweatin'. That's what I do even when I wish the freakin’ clock would just run out so that I could park it and take a rest. Ah, I love basketball and it is a great sport. It’s the only one that truly intrigues me.

I have a sound belief that the family unit is essential in the creators plan. There is that whole 'Proclamation of the Family'…I dig it. I see more and more how much vital sense it makes. When families get shot to hell and spent like a hooker on heroine, there is so much nonsense (aka- B.S.). It's not good. At the same time, it's so simplistic. A family- So simple. And at the same time, they all have problems, dysfunction, ripples in the water... what do people do about them though? Do they get honest and take responsibility or do they just live and breathe and stay in the dysfunction? It's interesting. It's a real phenomenon. It's a tricky one. I must say. I have utmost respect for the demolished families that are rebuilt or the individuals who rebuild themselves from within an f'd up family. It's straight up not easy. Blaming is easy- almost a default.

I have so much to learn and become and rise above. In the same breath, I have so much to recognize and give thanks for and stop lamenting and beating the self up for. I have viewpoints to shift and review and re-visit… I have relaxing to do and new horizons to see. Knowing it, although, doesn’t tele-transport me to any of the destinations I’m aware of seeking out. I trip up on that interim; the knowing where I want to go to and going. I suppose this isn’t an abnormal struggle. But I wonder what, aside from just “doing”, bridges that obstacle. In my attempts of ‘doing’ I find myself starting a myriad of different things and finishing few. I don't know, just conversating now.

Why Thank You!

In spite of the internal, nameless conflict I have with this whole time of year we call the 'holidays'... yesterday had moments of something I don't know the words for. I spent the bulk of the day with my hospice patient. He’s a 98 yr old man who is very sweet. His wife, his primary care taker, was so grateful to have had the chance to go to dinner with her family... I was more grateful than she knew to just be there with him. He was in bed most of the time- got up for a little while... asked me over and over what I wanted him to do (he does that every time)... this time he asked me where his mom was- he kept telling me her address. I explained she had gone on and asked what kind of mom she had been. If she was kind... if she was loving and so on. He answered yes and repeated each word to everything I asked. He would look at me and then just hold my hand... There were, as usual, some funny moments too. I always spend time writing it all down.

When his wife got back, she tenderly gave me a card. I opened it when I pulled into my house. It was simple thank you card signed by her with a ten dollar bill that slipped out of it. That was what got me. You see when I’d spoken to her earlier about being able to come that day, she said “oh honey thank you, some day when I’m rich, I’ll be able to pay you back”… I got a little laugh out of that as the payback is all inclusive- just in going. You know? She, too, is 98 but in much better health than her husband, obviously.

For this elderly woman to do that- offer such gratitude, I don’t know. It’s something I’ll never forget- Beyond what I’d ever expected or anything. The $10 will be like that first bill that any new business ever gets and forever keeps pinned up in their store-shop… never spent to always remember. What a gem.

Later, I got to enjoy a really good vegan dinner my brother made. We went and saw Disney's newest feature 'Bolt' afterward. I am grateful for my brother. For my family, for all of it. Anyone reading this, I'm grateful for you.

"Would You Like To Hear A Poem...?"

I've written some poems along the way... and here are some of them... (I'll get to more of the funny dating stories in the previous post SOON- believe you me!)

- I Am Light- written Dec. 2008

Now when in darkness, I ache for warmth,

I Am Light.

The sun set in its splendor. I'd basked in its Light.

I Am Light.

When darkness fell, your voice assured,

"The sun will rise" and Light will rise.

I am Light.

Until then, little one, trust the light of the heavens above.

The effulgence will fill your breast.

The glow of each star has a message for you-

Til' daybreak professing your peace.

As the Light crept over God's every precious creation,

I watched the majestic sun rise.

First sweetly caressing all that she loves-

With a gentle song in her breath.

Then with confidence sounding, she penetrated even the deepest canyon-

reaching and stretching her voice.

So she rose-

The sun, the Light did raise as you promised it would,

With the love you spoke in your eyes.

She rose and gave warmth to herself most of all...

The light of this beauty,

The light of this Earth.

For I Am Light!!!

This is a love poem I wrote (one of the few)... a while ago- I was in love and I share it

because there are so many great things in the pure essence of LOVE itself. I Love it!

Did You Know (written in-love)

Right away, I loved you.

Didn't know why, so I scared you.

We drove so much-- and I told you too much.

We laughed a lot--I kept loving you more.

Then one night, you told me...

(Gasp)--That YOU love ME!

My heart skipped one and a half beats... and I smiled.

God smiled too--and the angels around Him.

I signed 'I Love You' with my hand-- I was still shy.

I knew something pretty incredible:

I knew I'd never loved like this before.

And that made me smile...all through the day,

Every day...And into the night.

One happy day I looked into your eyes,

And saw a thing brand new.

One eye held the ocean...

The other the sky.

Two places I look to remember infinity.

Your eyes... An eternal habitat?

I thought it crazy for a moment so I looked deeper.

I leaned in and heard the ocean waves true constant rhythm.

Again, leaning in, I heard the still lit sky- so eternal its whisper.

So I crept back to behold your face,

Then looked to the sky and smiled.

And God smiles back every time--

And sometimes even winks!

wrote this a WHILE ago... I like it though- it's an honestly written little thing.

Simple.

To compensate for my earthly state

I wrap myself to appear "top-rate"

In clean cut edges and bright colored charm

String that pulls and lifts, never causes harm.

So upon closer look, the plain cannot see,

The human-ness that rests all over me.

I'd rather not look, I'd rather be fine...

I'd rather clean house and be "that daughter of mine"

Who wow's and does tricks, smiles at every turn

Knowing there is so much more they could learn.

Vanishing, moving, picking up pace...

It's safer than showing more than one face.

Sometimes leaving those who meet wanting more--

Never tasting long enough to reject and abhor.

(written this past spring... I like it- it motivates me.)

ALL

All good-All light- All beauty- All green- All gold- All abundance-All warmth- All Love-All conversations-All uprightness-All health-All things worked hard for-All tears-All falling stars-All blue skies-All sweet words-All kind affection-All forgiveness-All service-All opportunities to serve-All reality-All art-All insight-All learning-All loving-All truth-All good music-All motivation-All creativity-All colors-All sweetness-All tenderness-All understanding-All softness-All endurance-All Loyalty-All integrity-All empathy-All true emotion-All positivity-All things that push us beyond our limits-All Faith-All encouragement-All uplifting-All unity-All good words-All youthfullness-All praise-All respect-All splendor-All honor-All smiles-All LIFE......

Embrace!

Seek Out!

Turn Toward!

Melt ALL into the Life you Live...

At every chance fill your life with these things of LIGHT and LIGHT in return you will Live!

(I wrote this last spring also- not about any child specifically... I just have a deeply rooted love beyond love for children. I often times see the 'child' in someone and it gives me a genuine kinship toward them. I think it's important for all of us to remember the kid in us... not some weird "inner child" b.s. but just the fact that we're the same little cutie that existed before... it's kinda cool. Babies, kids.... boy, they are just the sweetest things ever that can make a person remember the big picture real fast.)

Innocent Always

Little sweet one- oh little child...

You are cherished- Loved- So loved,

An Angel- Sweet sweet Angel.

Take you up in my arms

And keep you warm-

In angelic light for always

Erase any dark for always

That's what I would do.

For I love you.

You are a sweet little girl.

Beautiful little child.

Innocent you were born,

Innocent you remain.

Sweet little Angel-

Eyes searching for care,

For Love.

I love you.

I always have.

I always will.

You are innocence in true form.

Forever.

Dating is FUNNY

As I'm nearing 29, yes twenty nine, and having been somewhat of an avid dater since the tender age of 15, one would only imagine the many stories of fun and 'what not' I would be able to pull from the lane of memory...
To me, it's not the most elegant or elaborate dates that have stood out in my mind the most... Although I remember all kinds, I am paying special tribute to the ones that have made me think "did that really just happen?" Because, let's face it... being single is just the 'best' and dating is not only 'FUN', but at times purely entertaining...

Victoria Secret-

This one was a first and last date. I had met the guy at a pretty low key restaurant. I knew it was going to be a no go when dinner began and the full-mouth talking began. Honestly, I don't think he was able to begin a sentence without first putting a mouthfull of food within. And talk he did- on and on and on about himself and nothing else. But that wasn't the full effect. No, it got so much slicker- Ah yeah- I gots to see this man, who apparently loved his gym and the heavy liftin, put his arms up between each bite, while he chewed and talked- While holding his arms above his head, he did a little 'nonchalant' flexing routine. It was pretty AWESOME.

So dinner was over and he asked what I wanted to do next. I thought fast and knew I could make the most of this time. I threw out the idea of running to look for mothers day gifts as it was in a few weeks and I hadn't yet put anything in the mail for my mom. He liked the idea so we headed for a shopping mall nearby which also happened to be on my way home.

So we begin walking through the shopping center and I'm just trying to make small talk about mom's and mother's love and stuff like that- Victoria's Secret is nearing on our left as we begin discussing gift ideas for our respective mothers. Then he said it- "How about a nice little bra and panty set?" I'm not sure exactly what I said but I know I turned the idea down. But he rebutted with- "But every woman likes a nice little bra and panty set..." I should have told him to run and grab his mom the latest leather n lace if he was so inclined but I didn't.

We ended up going into Anthropologie- I picked out a sweater for my mom... when I was checking out I turned to see this guy I was with purchasing the SAME sweater for his mom!!! On top of that he said "My mom is going to know I didn't pick this out- she's going to ask right away who picked her gift out!" I said "What do you mean? You did!" He just smiled.

I never saw him again. But I did come close to re-considering on that bra n panty set for Mothers Day... ha!

I will update this post with more stories very very soon!!! And Oh, they're good!

Reality Check

I won’t forget today. Had a patient who I was certain had taken some kind of medication prior to her appointment. Half way in when I was working on her alone, she was falling sound asleep. I would ask her to open- she would do so briefly, then no sooner would she be back asleep, even snoring… literally, seconds later. Her body was twitching too… the way one does when substances are running through it. It was a lot more anxiety provoking than I would have ever imagined…. Watching the very display of what I have been. It’s a part of me I still see as despicable or something. I guess- because seeing it did so much to me.

Seeing a human being who is trying so pitifully to stop hurting… and in the process only making a complete ass of themselves. It sucks. I think of the times I actually remember and wonder how many many more there are that I don’t. I know I’ve heard some stories describing pathetic behaviors I’ve exhibited either drugged up or so drunk I was in a black out. yuck

As I held this woman’s chin tight to prevent her mouth from dropping open while taking an impression for a crown, I felt her warmth. I felt deep concern in the stir of anxiety. I felt so sad. I sensed that when she was able to talk previously, she was closed to connection. I get that.

Maybe getting past the past involves much more than I realized. I feel like I have so much to mourn still that I thought could simply stay there. So much still to take responsibility for, and in doing so, feel the pain of it. And it hurts. So much.

This was Dec. 2006 during an 'outing' while I was at Highland Ridge. I did 42 days. Dec. 13- Jan 23rd

Then I drove the short 4mile drive home… the last mile, there was a yellow car to my left that I suddenly saw getting really close to me so I began to move over but I was already in the far right lane. It seems like it was going in slow motion now that I recall it. As I moved over right, so did the yellow car… and as I saw it moving over, I saw the passengers side door swing about half way open- close enough that I was sure it would have hit my car, but it didn’t. I could feel my heart pounding and adrenaline pumping. I immediately pulled my car off to the side of the road and saw that the yellow car had done the same thing behind me.

I sat for a second, then backed my car up even closer to theirs. There was a construction sign between our cars. I wanted to know why someone was trying to get out of a moving car and on top of that why I was almost pushed off the road so I got out of my car, leaving it running, and walked over to their car on the passenger side. I don’t remember now if I knocked or just waved but it took them a bit to open the window. I saw the driver look at me and motion to the passenger to respond and he hesitated.

He was a thin, middle aged man with long sandy blond hair and missing eye lashes. The woman was blond and looked tired and haggard and seemed indifferent. The man looked anxious, and edgy… almost scared of me. I explained that I wanted to know if everything was ok since I’d just seen their door swing open. The moment their window opened, the familiar smell of hard liquor filled my senses. It was the smell of liquor that had been well processed and was now being smelled not only from the source but also from the body as it came from the pores. Strangely, I didn’t mind it. Since sobriety Dec. 2006, the smell of liquor ingested has increasingly become one which causes more adverse reactions…

The man’s eyes, just like the woman earlier today, struck me. They were fresh with tears. His demeanor was so… I don’t even know…. so lost. He kept saying “we’re fine”. I kept repeating that I wanted to make sure they were ok. I finally asked if they realized that they had nearly run me off the road. The man was quick to respond “That was my fault. I’m really sorry.” I wasn't mad- but very concerned.

I couldn’t fix them or whatever the hell was going on. It was just so crazy- I just started sobbing as I drove away.

I have a really good feeling that the things that happened today were not only by chance although by chance they did happen- if that makes sense. It leaves me really quite lowly to experience such quintessentially appropriate moments, such as today, to remind me which way is up. I think my Father above knows that when I need a reminder of what I'd be going back to if I keep 'toying' with the idea of an 'occasional drink'... I need it Loud and Clear. Message received... roger that.

Life and Living

After completing my second of four training sessions necessary to become an IHC hospice volunteer, I have found myself struck with so much more emotion than I ever imagined. During the first class two weeks ago, the trainer asked me and the other girl (yes, only two of us in the class)... about our very first encounter with death. Even to type the word out, I feel my apprehension creep in.

I remembered my first experience instantly, so quickly shared- I was eight years old and she was my neighbor and friend in NJ where we lived at the time. She was terminally ill with cystic fibrosis and heart disease. She was only a few months older than me. I have many vivid memories of doing things with her and my sisters as well as her sisters. Her name was Denise.

Wherever she went, she needed her oxygen and if we were doing anything in the water in the summertime her mom would put a bread bag over her IV which she wore always.

One halloween we were all trick-or-treating together. Denise was too ill to walk but we pulled her in a wagon just the same. I recall my heart hurting for her when a punk kid ran by and grabbed her pillowcase full of candy. I felt so so bad for this sweet, sick friend of mine. We all pitched in our own candy to fill her pillowcase back up. I wonder what being sick like that felt like... to be out of control as she watched everyone else walk around and have fun.

The night before she died, my mom and I went over to their house. She looked nothing like herself. But it was peaceful. Very peaceful. I went over and said goodbye. I didn't feel that sad for her because I think I got it. I got that she was just going somewhere new. I hurt like hell for her family though. It was strange seeing her at her viewing. A friend my own age in a coffin at eight years old. She looked pretty though.

Learning about the process of dying and assisting others to live fully until the end, has brought about some intense introspection for me. Just because I'm 'ALIVE' today, that doesn't mean I am truly truly LIVING unless I don't waste a breath of it. Unless I smile a little more. Unless I lift another's heart. Unless I give thanks. Unless I say "I Love You" when I ought to. Unless I hug with all my might. Unless I talk to my Father above from my heart. Unless I tell my family and friends just HOW much they have touched my life. Unless I immerse myself in the beauty of this Earth. Unless I listen more and talk less. Unless I notice the beauty in even the mundane. Unless I see the good in every soul. Unless I decide each day to make it a good one. Unless I do what I say I will do. Unless I walk uprightly. And Unless I seek that which strengthens me. Unless I laugh often. Unless I laugh at myself. Unless I love the one who is hardest to love. Unless I forgive. Unless I live in honesty. Unless I stand tall. Unless I raise the bar. Unless I step to my greatness.